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Rochelle Devereaux Business Efficacy copyright © 1999 Have trouble getting others to hear you? Find it difficult to hear others? Your listening style may be getting in the way. Communication requires a focused, two way connection. A speaker sends an idea or thought, and a listener grasps the speaker's words, emotion and intent. This link between people is what we need to give and get total messages. A disconnection occurs when something distracts or sidetracks the listener from the conversation. Distractions include physical items such as the papers on your desk, or noises, such as telephones ringing or radios playing. Sidetrackers are those thoughts or actions triggered by the speaker's words or action. However, even if you totally concentrate on the speaker, there are other reasons we can't hear or be heard. The most common is an incompatible communication style. What's Your Listening Style? Orientation Factors The listening trigger is a second orientation factor. We learn to "tune in" to different things, depending on circumstances. Some people allow voices to flow over them until they hear a word or name that signals something interesting to them. Others will focus on a speaker the minute they walk over and start talking. How long they stay focused, and how they focus depends on their situation and training. Orientation is a combination of how and why we listen. Identify your own and compare it to others in order to make real connections. Background Listening is passive. We allow sounds and words to flow by without direct awareness. Empathetic Listening is also passive. We concentrate on emotion, emphasizing the speaker's feelings more than data content. Content Listening tends to be active. It's purpose is information gathering, but without regard for emotion or non-specific messages. Controlled Listening, depending on the circumstances, is either passive or active. The prospective listener restricts the speaker's time to fit his or her schedule. It becomes active only when time permits discussion. Power Listening is active. It involves making dynamic connections with others to receive a total message. Background and Empathetic listening represent social listening styles. The next three frequently occur in work environments. However, you can use them all in any setting. It depends on what is appropriate within a situation. Pace One way to think about different paces is to consider the Hare and the Turtle. Hares do everything, including speaking, quickly. They're always racing. Turtles act and speak deliberately, weighing their words and actions carefully. Hares and turtles have a difficult time communicating because their styles conflict. If you are a hare and need to talk to a turtle, prepare in yourself in advance. Slow your naturally fast pace. Allow the turtle time to absorb your words and respond. The biggest problem here is that hares want to move the conversation along and jump in before the turtle gets a chance to fully respond. Turtles also need to prepare to speak to hares. They must think through their ideas before the conversation starts so they can make their point succinctly and quickly. Recognize that the hare will respond quickly, which does not mean they have not thought about their response. Each of us has preconceived ideas about what is or is not a proper communication style. We want everyone to talk or listen exactly like we do. But, that does not happen in real life. Everyone has a different style. If our goal is to make connections with others, we have to not only recognize that, we have to actively embrace the differences. Using the Styles to Make Connections Background Listeners: These people are allowing sounds to flow over them. You have to get them to focus on what you have to say. Until you do, there is no connection and no real listening occurs. Find a trigger word or phrase that will get their attention so a conversation can occur. Empathetic Listeners want to hear feelings and emotions. They put themselves into the speaker's shoes to better relate to them. So, give them something to trigger their interest. If you need to give data to someone who is more comfortable with emotion than fact, find a way to introduce your feelings about the situation. Start with the feeling and move toward the content. Content Listeners do not care about how you feel or if you're having a good or bad day. They simply want facts. So skip the socializing and get down to basics. If this goes against the grain, remind yourself that the objective is to make a connection. That is the only part they will hear, so do not give them reasons to tune you out. Controlled Listeners are under the time gun. They only allot a specific amount of time. So, get to the point as quickly as possible. Grab their attention immediately. Then, you may have more time to elaborate, or they may give you more time later. If your time ends before you make your point, you probably will not get a second chance. Power Listeners are interested in hearing your message. They will work with you to ensure they make a connection. Sometimes this creates problems if all you want to do is give a person some information without response. Prepare for an exchange when you speak to a Power Listener. You have to make connections with others. There are many ways to do that. You can attempt to get others to recognize your style and try to use it. You cannot make them change their own. So, since you can control your own reactions and behavior, do what you must to make things work. Rochelle Devereraux provides training to organization in effective communication. For more information, contact her at Business Efficacy, PO Box 4081, Salem, OR 97302-1081, 503/581- 4100 or e-mail: rochelle@businessmasters.com. You may visit her web site: www.businessmasters.com for more information on her services. |