Communicate with Style
Rochelle Devereaux
Business Efficacy
copyright © 1999
Have trouble getting others to hear you? Find it difficult to hear others? Your listening style
may be getting in the way.
Communication requires a focused, two way connection. A speaker sends an idea or thought,
and a listener grasps the speaker's words, emotion and intent. This link between people is
what we need to give and get total messages.
A disconnection occurs when something distracts or sidetracks the listener from the
conversation. Distractions include physical items such as the papers on your desk, or noises,
such as telephones ringing or radios playing. Sidetrackers are those thoughts or actions
triggered by the speaker's words or action. However, even if you totally concentrate on the
speaker, there are other reasons we can't hear or be heard. The most common is an
incompatible communication style.
What's Your Listening Style?
Each person develops a unique listening style. The two primary style components are
orientation and pace. Effective conversation requires us to use them appropriately, based on
our purpose and circumstances.
Orientation Factors
How inclined are you to listen to others? Do you expect everyone to listen to you, no matter
their situation or circumstances? Some people naturally listen, rather than speak. Others like
to talk, not listen. This works if you have one of each in a conversation. Problems arise if
you have a speaker who is supposed to be the listener, or if the listening inclined person must
speak.
The listening trigger is a second orientation factor. We learn to "tune in" to different things,
depending on circumstances. Some people allow voices to flow over them until they hear a
word or name that signals something interesting to them. Others will focus on a speaker the
minute they walk over and start talking. How long they stay focused, and how they focus
depends on their situation and training. Orientation is a combination of how and why we
listen. Identify your own and compare it to others in order to make real connections.
Background Listening is passive. We allow sounds and words to flow by without direct
awareness.
Empathetic Listening is also passive. We concentrate on emotion, emphasizing the speaker's
feelings more than data content.
Content Listening tends to be active. It's purpose is information gathering, but without regard
for emotion or non-specific messages.
Controlled Listening, depending on the circumstances, is either passive or active. The
prospective listener restricts the speaker's time to fit his or her schedule. It becomes active
only when time permits discussion.
Power Listening is active. It involves making dynamic connections with others to receive a
total message.
Background and Empathetic listening represent social listening styles. The next three
frequently occur in work environments. However, you can use them all in any setting. It
depends on what is appropriate within a situation.
Pace
Another factor affecting connections is pace. Our pace represents how fast or slow we speak.
Circumstances may influence it, but more often, pacing is a habit formed over the years.
One way to think about different paces is to consider the Hare and the Turtle. Hares do
everything, including speaking, quickly. They're always racing. Turtles act and speak
deliberately, weighing their words and actions carefully. Hares and turtles have a difficult
time communicating because their styles conflict. If you are a hare and need to talk to a
turtle, prepare in yourself in advance. Slow your naturally fast pace. Allow the turtle time to
absorb your words and respond. The biggest problem here is that hares want to move the
conversation along and jump in before the turtle gets a chance to fully respond.
Turtles also need to prepare to speak to hares. They must think through their ideas before the
conversation starts so they can make their point succinctly and quickly. Recognize that the
hare will respond quickly, which does not mean they have not thought about their response.
Each of us has preconceived ideas about what is or is not a proper communication style. We
want everyone to talk or listen exactly like we do. But, that does not happen in real life.
Everyone has a different style. If our goal is to make connections with others, we have to not
only recognize that, we have to actively embrace the differences.
Using the Styles to Make Connections
Each style requires a different approach. If you know the listeners' focus, you can use it to
make sure they tune into what you have to say.
Background Listeners: These people are allowing sounds to flow over them. You have to get
them to focus on what you have to say. Until you do, there is no connection and no real
listening occurs. Find a trigger word or phrase that will get their attention so a conversation
can occur.
Empathetic Listeners want to hear feelings and emotions. They put themselves into the
speaker's shoes to better relate to them. So, give them something to trigger their interest. If
you need to give data to someone who is more comfortable with emotion than fact, find a
way to introduce your feelings about the situation. Start with the feeling and move toward the
content.
Content Listeners do not care about how you feel or if you're having a good or bad day. They
simply want facts. So skip the socializing and get down to basics. If this goes against the
grain, remind yourself that the objective is to make a connection. That is the only part they
will hear, so do not give them reasons to tune you out.
Controlled Listeners are under the time gun. They only allot a specific amount of time. So,
get to the point as quickly as possible. Grab their attention immediately. Then, you may have
more time to elaborate, or they may give you more time later. If your time ends before you
make your point, you probably will not get a second chance.
Power Listeners are interested in hearing your message. They will work with you to ensure
they make a connection. Sometimes this creates problems if all you want to do is give a
person some information without response. Prepare for an exchange when you speak to a
Power Listener.
You have to make connections with others. There are many ways to do that. You can attempt
to get others to recognize your style and try to use it. You cannot make them change their
own. So, since you can control your own reactions and behavior, do what you must to make
things work.
Rochelle Devereraux provides training to organization in effective communication. For more
information, contact her at Business Efficacy, PO Box 4081, Salem, OR 97302-1081, 503/581-
4100 or e-mail: rochelle@businessmasters.com. You may visit her web site:
www.businessmasters.com for more information on her services.
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